Day thirty-nine: Ten things no one tells you about culinary school

Posted on | April 7, 2009

I am rapidly nearing the end of my first term at school. And I know some things. I know the way food sounds when it hits a hot pan. I know how to make a roux. And I know how to do a roast tie.

And I know how culinary school works.

So I’ve made a list of the top ten things no one ever tells you about culinary school. Not that it would have prevented me from going. But it would have been nice to know.

After all, forewarned is forearmed. Or so they say.

The ten things no one tells you about culinary school but you wish they did

1. You will do a laundry every day
   Think about it. Raw chicken juice dripped on your jacket. Pork blood splattered onto your pants. Egg yolk smeared across your apron. I could go on and on (and, sigh, yes, these are examples from real life; my life), but you get the picture. And woe to you if your white chef’s jacket is not white. Woe.
2. You will become annoying in your home kitchen
   At school, I know the chef instructors still think we move at a snail’s pace. But, at home, I have speed up to the point that (a) my husband only sees a blur when I am cooking, and (b) that blur drives him nuts by alternatively barking out orders and running over his toes. I don’t mean to drive him nuts, mind you, but I do.
3. You will give up any hope of trying to control your cholesterol or your salt intake
   Controlling your cholesterol? Ha! The chef’s would have us whip butter into a glass of water and serve it, if they could. So you might as well forget any hope of trying to watch your cholesterol. And, while you are at it, you might as well forget controlling your salt intake. I’ve been in school for two months now and I’m pretty sure the school motto is “It needs more salt, more salt, more salt.”
4. You will invest almost as much energy gauging the mood of your chef’s as you do understanding the instructions on your recipes
   Sometimes they ignore you. Like when they are busily making granola and other dishes and you drop from a priority to an interruption. Sometimes they drive you nuts. Like when they tell you to do something that is the exact opposite of what another chef told you to do five minutes earlier. And, sometimes they love you. Like last week when the Nepal Chef decided to show me his amazing five minute curry (chickpea curry, complete with homemade curry paste, in under five minutes) and made enough to feed the entire class.
5. You will say “Yes Chef” more times in one day than you will ever tell your spouse you love them in one year
   I don’t get too much grief from the chef’s because I don’t give them too much grief. Instead, I resort to “Yes Chef” the way my husband resorts to “Yes dear” at home. (Well, he doesn’t really, but one can dream!)
6. You will hear more curses in an hour than a sailor can say in a day
   Think George Carlin and the seven words you can never say on TV and you’ll get the picture. In fact, the only thing that interrupts the cursing is the innuendos.
7. You will be inundated with innuendos
   If the chef’s can be rude, they will be. Don’t believe me? Go back to the first four weeks of school and read some of the quotes from Motorcycle Chef. Then multiply those by a factor of, say, ten. Those are the quotes too filthy for me to put in my blog. And while you are at it, say buh bye to any hope of political correctness. I know it is not important to a lot of people, but I’ve spent my entire life battling to get paid the same as my male counterparts. So when I asked the chef to quit calling me “girl,” I wasn’t kidding around. But he was. And still is.
8. You will eat odd things at odd times
   Frog’s legs for breakfast? Done it. Start the day with pumpkin pie and cookies? Yep, breakfast of champions. Lamb curry with a side of chicken cacciatore? Had that for lunch a few weeks ago. And while I am at it, you will also do odd things at odd times. Like cutting chicken into parts at 8:00 am. I did that for a week. And making stock before making breakfast. I did that. Twice. Cutting potatoes into batonnets, painting veal bones with tomato paste, reducing red wine … did ‘em all and more.
9. You will wear a stupid hat
   Our hat is a baseball cap that effectively limits my peripheral vision despite countless nights trying to flatten the absurdly curved visor. But least you think our hat is the only dumb one, I’ve also seen the hat from another culinary school in town. Their hat is a cap that makes the wearer look like he broke out of prison. But the real insult here is, despite the fact that I have one of those faces that tends to look good in hats, I don’t in this one. Sigh.
10. You will give up having nice hands. Or cuticles. Or nails.
    For starters, you have to keep your nails short for sanitary reasons. And, for the same reason, nail polish is a no no. So buh bye Chanel. But if that were not bad enough, the constant hand washing (go into the kitchen, wash hands; handle raw meat, wash hands; brush your hair out of your eyes, wash hands) means your hands are forever chapped. And, of course, I don’t have access to hand cream when I am in the kitchen (nor should I; I don’t want to contaminate food) so I’m out of luck there. But, come the weekend, I discovered that if I soak my poor, beat-up hands in a bowl of water and slather them in, heaven help me, Creme de la Mer, they lose that tight feeling they have all week and feel creamy soft. Until Monday.

There. Does that give you some insight into cooking school? It’s a nutty world. But, even with this list, I am sure I’ve missed some massivly important item that just slipped my exhausted mind. So if you have anything you want to add about culinary school, or even cooking, do share.

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